Loving Fathers Well

As Fathers Day draws near it is a good time to reflect on how the role of father contributes and impacts our everyday lives and how we are doing in loving them how they deserve.

Everyday fathers shape our children, our marriages, the workplace and ultimately reflect how we are doing as a society. Embracing the identity of dad looks different in every family, but I would like to take a few moments and take a look at what great fathers are doing and how we can do better at showing them how amazing they really are.

I am writing this from the perspective of how the wives of their children’s fathers can improve how we love and lift up the men in our life so they can reach their full potential as Dad. I understand how some fathers may not deserve the title and that some people will have a different perspective about how critical the role of father is today depending on their familial situation. That’s ok if this doesn’t apply to you. I still feel like the conversation is important.

To me the best kind of father is a leader in his family, workplace and community. He is a role model for the other men in his circle and shows the boys and girls coming up behind him how a real man can lead and love in today’s difficult time.

Scripture has a lot to say about being a father.

My favorite example in the Bible is “The Prodigal Son” in Luke 15: 20-24 where a father is encouraged to yes, be a disciplinarian, but to never give up on his children, patiently ready to receive them with open arms, always with their best interest at heart. It is the same love our Heavenly Father shows all his children – what a wonderful example for all the fathers out there.

So what do you expect from this man in your life? The forever partner you chose to be the example for your children?

Many women expect a hero, protector, and provider. We expect attributes like strength, wisdom, and resilience. We expect men today, and fathers especially, to be a pillar of strength while also understanding and sensitive, to be in control but also flexible to our ever-changing needs, and to be steadfast and confident but willing to change into what we want in the moment.

Without really understanding the impact, we are expecting a whole lot and then asking them not to complain about it.

The last thing society wants from our fathers is to be vulnerable and to show weakness. As a man we expect them to stay silent about their feelings, their disappointments, and their needs.

In book called “Strong Mothers, Strong Sons” by Dr. Meg Meeker, this pressure and lack of empathy for males starts at a very early age. She indicates that our best chance against some of the downfalls of boys and men in our society (specifically drug use, depression and violence) is to give them an emotional vocabulary at a young age. Mothers especially should allow their sons to feel and express emotions while removing overbearing and judgmental interruptions as they mature into men. This means allowing other men in their lives to be critical influencers, mainly the fathers in their lives, while holding a respected authority in the family.

Additionally in a 2012 Ted Talk, “Listening to Shame“, Brené Brown talks about how the men in our culture are treated regarding the ability to be vulnerable in their lives. We simply don’t allow them to be. Just as society puts pressure on women to be a jack of all trades – the cook, the maid, the comforter, the boss, the enchantress… the list is endless, we expect men in our lives to be anything – except what is perceived as weak.

The expectations we have created start with boys and then men. And what is true for men, exponentially impacts fathers.

So how can we do a better job as wives to revere them in their role? How do we help them flourish? What are our responsibilities to lift them into the best version of themselves?

I think we should do our best to highlight and improve what we have been doing right and do less of what we have been doing wrong. Lets strive to love them better than we do today because they deserve it.

Let’s continue to expect greatness from our dads because they absolutely have tremendous impact to their families, communities and specifically the next generation of parents coming behind them.

This greatness does not; however, happen by chance. Our role is to encourage them and lift them up in the process.

So when the father in your life displays the character, resilience and strength you expect – tell him! Don’t be shy or stingy with your accolades – tell him how much and specifically what it is that makes you so proud of him and do it often!

Maybe the hardest thing for us to admit as wives is our ability (or lack thereof) to treat these men as we expect to be treated. I know there are some saints out there, but I know I’m not one of them. With the golden rule in the forefront, I embarrassingly have to be reminded to make sure that I am treating Patrick exactly how I want to be treated everyday.

For many of us, this includes our expectations and how we allow for his feelings and opinions to enter conversation and family decisions.

Always remember that how you treat your husband shows your children how they should expect to be treated as a man if you have a son and / or how you should respect men, specifically husbands, if you have a daughter.

Let’s also stop doing some of the things that may interfere with their greatest potential! There is a long list (I’ve been told 😉 but I’ve highlighted some things we should stop doing and some things we should allow them to do more so they can be their best selves.

A lot about the following has showed up in conversations with my husband and other couples’ perspectives so it is totally possible that some of these may not apply to your specific situation.

Hopefully you can recognize one or more things that ring true for improvement in your relationship.

Stop:

Trying to mold him into the dad you think he should be. He was uniquely created to contribute to your family. He isn’t perfect, but should be appreciated for the positive traits that will specifically mold your children into adults.
Interrupting, bulldozing, and judging his every move. Let him be the man you ask of him. Stop nagging and start listening to what he has to say.
Putting your children’s needs above his. Behind God, he is your biggest priority and the most important person in your life. Reflect this in how you prioritize your relationship against all the time and energy you put into your kids.

Let him:

Have downtime – time without family or work – to just be with friends, hobbies or completely alone.
Have opinions, feelings and emotions – listen, listen some more, and then implement changes he needs to have a better quality of life.
Be honest about you – that means allowing him to speak into challenges he may face that may open opportunities for you to change or grow without being defensive. Allowing a safe space to share will open up more opportunities for sharing and more intimacy which is what we want anyway.

This Father’s Day, while you are loading love on Dad, or trying to come up with a special way to say thank you for his sacrifices, remember that some small changes or even a shift in perspective can greatly improve how you love this amazing man in your life.

If you are still looking for last minute gifts, this website has a wide array of pretty cool modern gift ideas (provided by men).

Be Honest: Before you start patting yourself on the back regarding how you love the father in your life, ask him if he is getting what he needs. We don’t always give our best and that’s a hard thing to admit. For a lot of families, this person is the hardest hit regarding expectations but rarely given the floor emotionally and prioritized during decisions and lifestyle accommodations. We can and should love the dads in our lives better.

Be Kind: Ultimately we should revere dad just as we do for mom. These roles are ever-changing and becoming more flexible by the day. Both parents have a LOT on their plates, but that is all the more reason to equally share what’s leftover in downtime and emotional support. The Golden Rule is always the way to go! You will never regret giving more to a loved one, especially the father of your children.

Cheers to all the GREAT dads out there! We appreciate you so much and couldn’t do it without you! Thank you for all you do!! Here is to ours! We love you Patrick Crane, Grandpa and Pop Q!