One of my goals for this year is to focus my energy on and reinvigorate my most important relationships.
Confession: I am selfish in relationships. When it comes to my marriage especially, because of the lottery ticket I turn in every morning, I usually get my way and win most arguments. I can honestly admit that I give the least amount and reap more of the benefits in the relationship.
There is rarely a true 50/50 give and take marriage but I believe the point should not be “comparing the board” between you and your spouse, but challenging yourself to be better at loving your spouse tomorrow and next year than you are known for today. Creating habits around loving well will help those that aren’t naturally selfless. It will help show your spouse love in their language and on their terms!
Hence my idea for this challenge. I am going to tackle this over 30 days and I hope you to do the same!
Valentine’s Day is right next door so why not try this from Feb 14th – March 15th??
My pastor has a concept to implement in marriage he refers to as the “submission competition”. It is a completely unnatural state of being where instead of being lead by your competitive instincts to “win” and put yourself first, you actually start competing in marriage to see who can submit to one another’s will and needs first.
I like to spend my energy trying to convince Patrick why he should be on my page and why I am right.
The submission competition flips that script on it’s head with your goal to easily give in to your spouse’s requests, to be first to listen intently during conversation, submitting to your spouse’s point of view and resolution during disagreements and putting their needs before your own.
Wha?!? Um, yea not natural or fun for people wired like me – but can you imagine if people behaved like this for real all the time?
How would your marriage change if you did this for 30 days? Let’s find out!!
I have never spent 30 days with my goal being focused purely on someone else and I know I will have a hard time with it.
That’s fine – it’s the journey, not perfection, that is important. Hopefully not only will you learn some selfless habits, but also get some great conversation (and have a few laughs) in the process!
The point of the exercise is to focus on the loving act of giving to your marriage.
You should keep your goals, expectations and evaluations focused completely on YOURSELF during these 30 days. If your spouse does or doesn’t want to participate, that’s totally fine, but it’s not your business to critique how they are doing on their journey or how they are responding according to your expectations.
You have plenty of work to focus on anyway and your job is simple (ha!) – submit and listen!
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
I have made this easy by creating a challenge and conversation starter for each of the 30 days.
I also highly recommend praying with each other every day – yes, out loud.
At first, if this is new for one or both of you, this is SUPER awkward – but it is SO effective and brings a lot of intimacy into the relationship. Take turns each day and start by asking your spouse how you can pray for them. Then add what your prayer needs are.
No need for long, drawn out or formal prayers. God knows what you need already. Hearing your spouse pray for you specifically is amazing for your marriage (I’m getting teary just thinking about it).
Every day wake up and tell your spouse that you love them and are committed to your marriage.
It is amazing how many couples have an underlying insecurity that the other person may one day or for some reason leave the marriage or break it through infidelity.
Patrick and I dealt with this in therapy years ago. Once we removed the scary possibility that no one is going anywhere and we are going to be faithful and committed no matter what, the foundation of trust allowed for so much more to be built on top.
Every day speak the truth of love and commitment to your spouse. Tell them I love you, I am committed to you, I am proud of you.
Another aspect of success for this challenge is regular “dates” with your spouse.
I’m not going to give any standards here – you know what is possible for your marriage logistically. It doesn’t have to cost a dime or a babysitter. Have coffee together before work, have lunch, cook and watch movies after the kids are asleep, have a Skype date if traveling is an issue.
Just know that the more time alone you spend, without distractions (ahem … phones or kids) the more opportunity you have to listen and connect emotionally.
I will also address the elephant that most people are thinking about and I’m going to be honest.
Regarding intimacy, it’s just a fact that the more regular physical intimacy you are able to enjoy with your partner, the happier BOTH of you will be.
This is touchy because some marriages have historic hurts and shame from this very personal aspect of their relationship that may need fixing.
I will just say, more back rubs, hand holding, kissing and yes – sex with your partner – is going to improve the conditions of your marriage – so don’t skip this part even if you have to add regular scheduled events on the calendar just for this reason.
Have fun kids 😉 !!
Alright boys and girls …. below is your 30 Day Challenge.
This template is just for suggestion and you can switch it up how you need to or replace some of the suggested phrases or conversations that don’t work for you. Don’t freak if you can’t do the challenge one (or more) days or if you mess up. The point is to try and see how putting your spouse before you changes your marriage.
Do it as many days as you can with intention and put this as priority #1! It’ll be hard for sure but it’s only 30 days, not forever!
We hope this kick starts your marriage into a new realm of fire burning intimacy, complete love and trust – with God at the center of your relationship.
Cheers and good luck!
Day One:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love you so much. You are so special to me because of ______”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Keep all conversation positive and loving. Even if something comes up that usually causes disagreement or discord, allow your spouse to express what they need and do what they request from you – right away.
Conversation: Discuss the day you got married. What were the special feelings and memories that are so special to you? What are some funny things that happened? What is something you would never change?
Day Two:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You are my best friend.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Brag about your spouse to other people. This could be at the office with your colleagues or on social media, to your mother or hers. Think about an aspect of your spouse that makes you feel loved or proud and brag away. Your spouse doesn’t need to know about it either!
Conversation: Tell your spouse 3 things about them that you are thankful for. Maybe they are a fabulous cook, or work incredibly hard. Elaborate on these three special things that you are so incredibly thankful for and proud of.
Day Three:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I’m proud of you for ________ .”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Read the highlights of love languages in adults. Each person experiences love in a certain way. While some may feel love through words of affirmation, others will experience love through physical touch. Unfortunately, we are more likely NOT to be like our spouse so what brings you feelings of love (and what you try on your spouse) is probably not going to do it for them. Try and figure out which one your spouse is.
Conversation: Discuss the love language concept and see if the love language you thought of for your spouse is true. Ask them “what are things I can do to make you feel more loved?”
Day Four:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love being around you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Do something special for your spouse that speaks into their love language. Are they physical touch? How about a 30 min massage? Are they acts of service? How about cleaning their car or something else they hate doing? Be creative and make it a sacrifice for you.
Conversation: Talk about a future wish trip you both would love. Maybe you have a big anniversary coming up. Maybe your spouse is hitting a big birthday this year. Dream up a future trip (even if it’s just looking at pictures and talking conceptual) for you two together. What would both of you love to do together alone?
Day Five:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You still take my breath away.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: That trip you were talking about yesterday? Do something concrete toward making it happen THIS YEAR. Maybe call a travel agent and discuss rates. Maybe talk to your boss about time off. It may seem rash or unrealistic financially but answer me this… if you knew you only had a certain amount of time with your person, would you be sad you took time off or dipped into your savings to make this happen?
Conversation: Talk to your spouse about what foods they absolutely love and what they have been craving lately. Reminisce about the time you had that great dinner or date.
Day Six:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love it when you wear that.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Try and recreate that special dinner or date you talked about last night. Maybe that means having seafood tonight with candlelight. Maybe that means grilling steaks and chilling some craft beer. Be flexible. Involve your kids and share with them the memories of the date or wait until they are asleep.
Conversation: Ask your spouse what they have been anxious or concerned about but maybe have been unwilling or afraid to talk to you about it. We all have either fleeting or constant pressures or fears. A lot of the time we show a strong persona instead of sharing those fears or problems with the ones we love the most. Be present and listen. Don’t try to talk over or fix the problem. Just ask questions or say statements that create safe sharing like “how does that feel?”, “what can I do that would help you with this?”, “I am so glad you are telling me”, etc.
Day Seven:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Reinforce safe sharing with your spouse by telling them what you heard them say the night before and how much you appreciate them opening up. Make sure you keep that conversation and their feelings about it sacred. Don’t judge them, but try and sit in their shoes with compassion today.
Conversation: Ask your spouse what it’s like to be married to you. Ask them for the good and challenging aspects of your marriage. Sit and be quiet and listen. Do not speak. Say thank you for sharing and let it sit overnight.
Day Eight:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I trust you. You make me feel so safe.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Send a love text, voicemail or email to your spouse. The spicier the better!
Conversation: Explain what you heard your spouse say last night about what it’s like to be married to you. Thank them again for their honesty. Tell your spouse the one thing your going to start working on based off that conversation.
Day Nine:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You continue to impress me how you handle ___________.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Buy something that your spouse loves and give it to them. This can be big or small but keep in mind their preferences and likes. Do they love flowers? Chocolate? Favorite wine or beer? Sports team memorabilia? Be creative and no need to spend money – writing them a poem (if they love that) is just as good as tickets to their favorite artists’ next concert.
Conversation: Talk together about your similarities and differences without getting defensive or angry. Make it fun and laugh about the things you “just don’t get” about each other.
Day Ten:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love you just as you are.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Take one of the differences you have – party affiliation, love of shoes, extrovert v. introvert, etc. and try to understand their perspective. Sit in their shoes for a while and try to understand why they feel the way they do. Is it their upbringing that was different? What would that be like? Find good things about their point of view through research: i.e. why introverts are awesome. See them in their best light.
Conversation: Tell them what you learned today in your research. Reinforce why they are so awesome and the things you didn’t know that popped out at you while reading about their interests or point of view.
Day Eleven:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Nothing could change my love for you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Listen and dance to “your” song. Maybe it’s your first dance or a song that reminds you both of a special time in your relationship.
Conversation: Talk about how you are both the same and different since you first met. What was your favorite thing to do together when you first started dating?
Day Twelve:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You look amazing today.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Re-create a date or experience that you used to do together when dating or first married. If you can’t make it happen today, make plans for the future event and share it with your spouse.
Conversation: Ask your spouse their thoughts and feelings around their parents marriage. How does / did that affect their expectations for your marriage? What do they want to be the same or different?
Day Thirteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I loved laying next to you last night.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Let your spouse control what you watch together tonight. It’s totally up to their preference or whim, no questions or discussion needed. Sit and be an enjoyable partner even if it’s the last thing you would watch.
Conversation: Ask your spouse what they are really passionate about. Sit and listen to their excitement and encourage them to tell you more. Ask questions to probe how it makes them feel and how you can maybe share it with them.
Day Fourteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Can I give you a massage tonight? You work so hard.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Find out how you can encourage or be a part of your spouses passions. Do they love to hunt? Go with them on their next hunting weekend or get them a Bass Pro gift card. Send them an article about deer population changes. Show them you listened and are willing to learn more and be a part of it with them.
Conversation: Discuss one thing about your spouse you didn’t already know. Maybe it’s a childhood memory they never shared or a job interview that went bust they never told you about.
Day Fifteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love it when you open up to me and when we connect.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Do this questionnaire answering for your spouse.
Conversation: Discuss the answers you came up with and see how your scores faired. Plenty of discussion can come out of these 21 questions just make sure to keep it positive and loving regardless of you knew the answers or not. Have fun and laugh and learn something new.
Day Sixteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Mind if I hold your hand?”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Find an old picture of the both of you, get it printed out and put it in a frame and give it to your spouse. Tell them why you love it and them and how you felt at that time in your life.
Conversation: Talk about an area of your spouses life that they feel is not getting enough attention. Are they in need of more spirituality, friend time, physical intimacy? Ask what they need more of.
Day Seventeen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I want you to know that I heard what you said last night and I’m going to try and help.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Find a way to give them what they are missing in the certain area of their life they discussed the night before. Maybe express your plan to give them the space to have friend time that weekend. Maybe connect intimately tonight. Maybe give them more input into the budget process so they have more financial room to tackle a passion.
Conversation: Since you are over the halfway mark, ask your spouse to tell you how, if any, changes are happening in your marriage since you started this challenge. Don’t react negatively if they aren’t more thankful. Thank them for their feedback and take their comments to heart.
Day Eighteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Thank you for committing your life to us. I am so proud to be married to you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Find a song that reminds you of your spouse or relationship. Send it to them with a loving note about why it makes you think of them.
Conversation: Read this article together and discuss one of the verses that you struggle with and visa versa for your spouse.
Day Nineteen:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I am so glad God gave me you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Make a video explaining about why you are so lucky in your marriage. Talk about your spouse in the best light, list their great qualities, tell them why they are so amazing and why you are so lucky. Send it to them and be willing to have them share it with others.
Conversation: Laugh about your video and ask about what they thought. Did they wish you had said something more or something else? Let them express freely and feel free to laugh at yourself a bit!
Day Twenty:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love laughing with you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Get dressed nice today. Put on some cologne or perfume and take the extra time to look your best for your spouse. Before you head out make sure you spend extra time looking at your spouse in the eyes, touching their hand, kissing them a little longer…and tell them how much they mean to you. The goal is to feel great today and think about them intimately through the day. Hopefully this sets up sparks to really fly tonight!
Conversation: Tell your spouse all the physical things about them that you love. Their eyes, how they smell, how they feel. Again, sparks flying is the ultimate goal here! Don’t be shy, the more compliments the better! Feel free to be detailed!
Day Twenty One:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I really enjoy being intimate with you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Do something for your spouse that they really don’t enjoy. Maybe it’s cleaning up after dinner or ironing their work shirts or tucking the kids into bed. Take it off their plate – kiss their head and say ” I got this tonight honey”.
Conversation: Discuss one of your spouses favorite book or movie. Ask what about it they love so much, where they were when they first saw it, etc.
Day Twenty Two:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I believe in you. You can do anything you want. I will always support you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Read your vows you wrote from your wedding. If you used the generic vows, review those or make new vows!
Conversation: Bring your vows and go over them with your spouse. Focusing on yourself, talk about any of them that you feel you have struggled with or need to work on. Recommit your feelings for your spouse and the vows you said on your wedding day.
Day Twenty Three:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “Words can’t express how I truly feel for you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Send your spouse a cute picture with a loving message today! Include the kids or dog – tell them why they are your whole world.
Conversation: Discuss a new hobby you could both tackle together. Maybe it could be hiking all the trails in a 30 mile radius, doing puzzles, reading a book together, a dance class, etc. Think outside the box and let your spouse lead the suggestion.
Day Twenty Four:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I am so proud to be your wife / husband.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Commit to the hobby your spouse was most excited about from last night. Let them lead the decision and go ahead and set up the class, get the book or plan the hiking trails and dates. Take charge of implementing and planning the hobby they wanted most.
Conversation: Talk about what helps your spouse relax the best. Is it a glass of wine? Bubble bath? Exercise? Time with friends?
Day Twenty Five:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You amaze me every day.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Relax with your spouse based on the discussion of what they prefer. Jump in that bubble bath with them! Grab a bottle of wine! Go for a long walk or plan a time when they can get in some friend time.
Conversation: Discuss some of the things your spouse is most proud of in their life. What is something they do or have accomplished that makes them walk a bit taller? Get a few ideas and encourage the discussion! Reinforce how you also feel proud of them for those things!
Day Twenty Six:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “You make me so happy just by being you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Find a new way to give them what they are missing in the certain area of their life they discussed on night sixteen. Maybe express your plan to give them the space to have friend time that weekend. Maybe connect intimately tonight. Maybe give them more input into the budget process so they have more financial room to tackle a passion.
Conversation: Discuss what you think commitment and security in relationship looks like for your spouse. Ask if you are right. Ask how you can help them feel more secure and loved in the marriage.
Day Twenty Seven:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I will always be committed to us.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Make your spouse laugh today. Send them a reminder of an inside joke or something funny you experienced together. Do something silly, sing them a song, tickle them and play with them.
Conversation: Talk about how your spouse experiences fun and humor. What makes them relaxed and playful? Is it a certain actor or movie genre? Reminisce on funny memories you have together.
Day Twenty Eight:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love playing and laughing with you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Do something for your spouse that would not be in your typical wheelhouse. Paint their toes, wash their car, write them a poem, make dinner. The bigger the shock the better. What is something they would love you do that you have balked about in the past? Do that or plan it and share your plans with them.
Conversation: Ask your spouse what their “perfect date” would be. What would it look like? What activity would you do? What would you eat?
Day Twenty Nine:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love you, I am committed to you, and I am proud of you.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Create the perfect date night. Surprise your spouse with a night out or plan the date for the future and let them know your plan and get it on the calendar. If you can create it at home make it happen tonight!
Conversation: Ask again what changes your spouse feels this challenge has done with your marriage. Ask if there is anything special you can do for them? Make sure they give you something concrete.
Day Thirty:
Speak love into your spouse in the morning: “I love you, forever, and no matter what.”
Pray together tonight.
Challenge: Do the special thing your spouse needed or wanted from your conversation yesterday.
Conversation: Discuss how this challenge was for you. Was it hard? Did you learn new things about yourself or your spouse? Tell them what you got out of the exercise.
Be Honest: No one feels that they have the time, resources or babysitters to focus on their marriage as first priority for 30 days. When you think about it though, you don’t have the luxury not to do this. Yes your job and kids are very important and you have a million things to do, but how does this sacrifice change the trajectory of your marriage? How does it change how you love others period?
Be Kind: Not only will your spouse be incredibly thankful and amazed at your commitment to this 30 day challenge, but think about how this example is going to sit with your kids or friends / colleagues? How amazing to be an example of love for others. Jesus was the ultimate giver and following his example can completely change you – giving yourself away is something you’ll never regret.
I also just want to say to my amazing, loving and handsome husband… I will always love you.
Thank you for being my inspiration and for helping me be better at life everyday.
Beautiful piece here ….. TRULY
Our relationships are the Greatest Gift GOD gives us after Life and His son….and far too often we take for granted our closest ones.
Thanks for reminding me to keep My attention on My intentions….
BP