There was a point in my life where “perfection” in achievement, possessions and the image I presented to others was my ideal. If I’m honest, it is something I struggle with dispelling as a worthy goal day to day.
It is so interesting that I am most moved and connected to people in their stories of failure, acceptance and worth in their day to day mess, yet I constantly hold myself up to a perfect picture of my own making.
Why is that?
If I am learning anything from my read on my new favorite book “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, I am finding that the ability to be vulnerable with others is the key to combating perfectionism.
Being vulnerable, showing our complete, unique and beautiful mess to others tears down the walls that prevent fulfilling relationships. Being vulnerable helps us love and engage better and ultimately attributes to our happiness.
Because we are meant to be in community and to love one another deeply as our true selves.
Here is an article where Brene describes perfectionism as self-destructive. She explains how perfectionism sets us up to feel shame, judgement and blame and why we shouldn’t hold ourselves up to this ideal.
Even the Harvard Business Review has recently taken a hard look at the correlation between increasing standards and unrealistic expectations of young people and the levels of mental illness in America.
What I find most interesting in this article is this quote:
The increase in socially prescribed perfectionism makes for a compelling backdrop for almost epidemic levels of serious mental illness in young people.
The levels of anxiety and depression in our culture is scary.
If you are not personally effected you have friends and family members who are. This is mental illness in 1 in every 5 adults and a mental health disorder in 16% of U.S. youth aged 6-17.
It’s unacceptable… and it’s growing.
And the scariest part is that it’s all done in silence! Probably the most destructive part of our strive for perfectionism is that while we struggle through the shame of missing our unachievable goal of perfection, we are giving more and more power to it.
Again, Brene hits the nail on the head:
Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive being spoken.
The desire to “go it alone” in the trenches of our struggle to achieve what is unattainable and hiding our true vulnerable selves from others all while holding up a mask of strength is incredibly harmful.
So what’s the remedy? For a lot of us, it’s pretty scary…
We have to speak about our failures, our hurts and our struggles. We have to admit our faults and ask for forgiveness when we wrong others. We have to be accountable to our feelings and we need to show them freely.
We need to be more vulnerable, not less. And we should do it no matter how scary it seems.
Regardless of what our culture or elders have to say about it, vulnerability is not weakness. Sharing your feelings with others is not shameful. We all deserve to show our true selves and be seen. We all have a deep need to love and be loved just as we are.
There is no perfection.
There is no magic pill.
There are no “easy” relationships.
The work is always going to be hard and we need others in our journey. And it is the journey, not the end result, that molds us into the person we were meant to be.
Just know that if you struggle with perfection you are not alone.
You are worthy.
You are perfectly imperfect.
