If you have never seen the movie Wonder with your kids, I highly recommend watching with the whole family! It is appropriate for any kid over 7 depending on maturity – my 6 year old got a LOT from this movie. Spend some time after watching talking about it as a family!
There are so many examples in the movie that parents can use as a platform to talk about what is happening in our kids’ lives at school, with friends, the family unit, and their own personal character decisions.
After watching the movie with my two sons, reading the book, and having lengthy conversations about bullying, friendships and what it means to have integrity instead of following the crowd, I knew that there were some specific things I was going to have to focus on in the next few years.
I wanted so desperately to instill the values that this young man, Jack Will from Wonder, displays so well in the movie. Even when he makes mistakes, he knows it and takes responsibility for his actions and how he affects others – I cheered for him the whole movie!!
So I started putting pen to paper on the things I could control as a mom to move my boys into growth mode on their character and integrity. Specifically, I wanted to find ways for them to be able to remove some of the distractions in our world that displaces the incredibly important focus from relationships – our most valuable asset!
I am by no means an expert in raising children. I have setbacks and learning lessons every day on what is working and what is not. I get frustrated a lot too – usually because I want so much for them and I don’t want my boys making the same mistakes my husband and I made growing up!
So if you aren’t a perfect parent but want simple ways to help your kids thrive and grow into people that make good decisions, with great relationships, you are in good company!
Here are the three things I kept coming back to after talking to several moms (including my own) :
- Stop Buying, Start Connecting
- Live the Example
- Let It Be
Stop Buying, Start Connecting
My 8 year old puts a LOT of importance on things. I don’t blame him! In our world today it seems everyone is playing the comparison trap game.
When kids start to notice things such as who has what, who has a bigger /smaller house, better toys or stuff than they do, it’s hard to drown that out and focus on what’s important! Especially when all everyone at school, on the bus, in your small group at church, etc. is talking about how they did at Fortnite last weekend!
(FYI, experts are saying that kids love Fortnite because of the social components they may be missing in real life! A hot topic in our home is – how do we focus on actual social experiences instead of those through video games / social media, etc.? For more information on boundaries with this popular game, click here)
Regardless of what we have and what we give our children (which is respectfully every parents’ decision and I am not judging) someone else is going to have more than they do, and others are going to have much less. We need to teach our kids how much importance stuff should play in their lives and how to navigate relationships when others have more or less than they do!
After thinking about how much importance our kids already place on their stuff, Patrick and I decided that we need to be intentional and much more focused as a family on time together, conversation, and the value of relationship then trying to make our kids happy through their stuff.
Something to remember when we focus on connecting:
Quality is better than quantity.
The time is going by so fast! Even now that I have more time with my kids each day at home (I am cheering for you working moms out there! I used to be one – I know the struggle – remember you are amazing!) it is still very hard to be intentional about spending the moments I have with my kids – actually focused on my kids.
I mean uninterrupted time – playing, cheering and inciting their creativity instead of putting them in front of a game or screen. So regardless of how much time you have, for the time you do have together, spend it wisely by truly connecting.
Spend it really getting to know your little person and what makes them incredible and unique! Encourage the positive attributes they bring to the table! And try to find an applicable way to highlight the consequences of negative behaviors – like watching examples of what not to do, i.e. Julian in Wonder, and talking about how it will affect their life and relationships!
Happy connecting!
Live the Example
We are confusing our children, and let’s be honest here, we’re not fooling anyone – especially our kids.
When we say to speak and act in a certain way, be loving and kind, forgive, give our best effort, etc. and we don’t actually behave and model these examples consistently for our children, we do more harm than good.
We confuse them, lose our integrity and their trust, and even run the risk of instilling very negative concepts around decision making and the importance of self when we don’t practice what we preach.
So be intentional about modeling the behavior you want to see in your kids. Everyday. Take the time during challenging moments to collect yourself and before acting (or reacting), think about how your next words or behavior are going to display the qualities you want your kids to emulate. Find out how to start living your truth by thriving here.
Something to remember when trying to live the example:
You are not perfect.
This should not be a judgmental exercise in placing yourself in comparison and ranking with the other parents in your social circle. It doesn’t mean trying to act like someone you are not. Make sure to forgive yourself often (because you will mess this up) and most importantly, ask for forgiveness from your kids! When we ask for forgiveness we are modeling so many wonderful attributes for our children – humility! humanity! sacrifice! selflessness! the list goes on…..
So do your best and remember perfection is not the goal. Improvement against yourself from yesterday (or the next soccer game) is! This is not easy! I’m cheering for you!
Let It Be
I know you want to be there for all of the things.
I know you want to step in and kick that other kid in the face when he is hurting your sweet baby.
I know you want to save her from all the heartache that is surely coming her way from that relationship.
I know you want to help him succeed.
Trust me – I’m a mom – I get it.
As parents we need to start listening to the experts here because our best intention compass seems to be doing some damage.
How involved do we really need to be in our kids lives? How much should we be expecting from them at their age(s)? I believe these two topics should be examined closely and honestly in our parenting. We have a lot of opportunity to get this right for our kids right now!
A lot of the conclusions coming from these areas of parenting seem to be pointing out the fact that we are too involved. We are not allowing our children to make decisions – and therefore, mistakes – navigate conflict, and deal with consequences. These are all required, and highly important, skills for thriving in adulthood! If we do not let them suffer a bit now, they won’t be able to handle anything on their own later. Let’s stop trying to save our kids from having these experiences, the wisdom gained cannot come from anywhere else!
Another topic that goes hand in hand with over-involvement is how much pressure we are putting on our kids. Let’s be honest here – most of us won’t have the next Chipper Jones, J.K. Rowling or Beyoncé. If we didn’t expect so much, we probably wouldn’t be juggling the 15 things they should be handling on their own in the first place.
It is great to have enthusiasm and dreams for those sweet lil’ peanuts. Just don’t let your expectations run so far away from reality that your child misses out on finding their own true calling and true self! Regardless of your dreams for them, they have a perfect plan already in place. And their happiness depends on your acceptance and love for them regardless of their abilities.
So let’s let kids be kids again! Let them mess up, have hard relationships, make tough choices and many, many mistakes! Knowing that you are there for them with wisdom when they ask and to help pick up the pieces with compassion is all they need to have a great relationship with you and build the right expectations about what true relationships are about!
Remember to help your kids thrive, try these three things:
- Stop Buying, Start Connecting
- Live the Example
- Let It Be
I’ll be rooting for you parents!
Be Honest: Your kids are who they are. Not much pushing, purchasing and hovering is going to change them to what you want them to be. They are uniquely created to give something special to the world! Spend the time to find out what it is! That is the journey they want to be on and you won’t be sorry you walked the path with them!
Be Kind: To yourself! Time to take the pressure off! You are a great parent – the fact that you want your child to thrive means so much – and they can tell how much you love them! Take some time to reflect on your own self-love. Loving yourself opens the door for abundant love in all of your relationships – what better behavior to model than that?
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I this this is a crucial topic in the social media/electronic devise world we live in. Kids have a hard time finding Authenticity as you so stated in the section on “live the example”….which translates into Fear and an thwarting of maturity in them. They respond better to those things that lack emotion, eye to eye contact and confrontation – not just the bad kind but the healthy kind of confrontation.
Children have a hard time building healthy boundaries without both the male and female influences from an “unbroken” home. So I think the term “it takes a village” applies NOW more than ever. Get friends involved, family members – not just grandma and grandpa, but aunts and uncles, cousins, etc etc…
We can no longer afford to use the excuses of our parents and previous generations:
mommy and daddy both work….so we’re tired
mommy has tennis team or dad’s playing Golf….
Running the kids through sport after sport because we don’t actually feel comfortable spending alone time with our kids…..
It’s a multi-leveled and often difficult subject – “Kids”……..but what’s more important ???
Courtney I am encouraged by your writing and a great way for others to open up about the issues we ALL face !!
God Bless You….
BP
I love your thoughts on “it takes a village” ! Thanks for always opening up your home and your devoted time for my boys! Glad to know you Brent!