A New Year, A New Way

Over the last month I have intentionally taken considerable space from writing and social media to focus on my family and health as well as to think hard about the transition that is coming into my life very soon.

We are about to have a major life change by adding a new family member to our established household. I am beyond excited but I know the challenges that are ahead and to be honest this pregnancy has been more than it’s fair share of challenging for me.

As a way of preparing I have given myself the space to figure out what my priorities really should be, and that made me think very hard about my goals for 2019.

I am someone who absolutely loves a New Year. I love goal setting and the entire planning and envisioning process of “what could be” for myself and my family. Self improvement is something that really excites and motivates me.

When I started going through my regular routine around goal setting for the New Year some old feelings and patterns started to arise. High expectations, guilt from what I haven’t been able to do, stress around how I am going to achieve what I want, shame around how I am clueless about the direction of my life in certain areas…

Needless to say, even though the thought of goal setting and starting fresh excites me, it also causes a lot of anxiety and stress. I am sure this happens for a lot of other people who are wired like me. Our good intentions undermine our happiness.

It took me a very long while to take myself away from these old habits and realize that regardless of what I habitually lean toward, categories like image, success, and having it all together are not goals that make me happy and they usually interfere with the most important things in my life.

Below are the goals I am setting for 2019. These are the ideas I am going to come back to again and again to ensure no matter what challenge, opportunity or change I come across this year, I intend to focus on these areas as a highest priority.

1. Relationships 
2. Removing Fear 
3. Stop Caring
4. Healthy on the Inside
5. Defining Attributes

I hope these thoughts help you prioritize your goals around the truly important things that have the ability to change your life in very positive ways.

Relationships – loving myself and others without conditions

The last part of this statement is my focus for the year. Have you ever found that you lean into or out of relationship depending on if you are getting what you want or expected from that person? Have you spent a good deal of your life thinking and talking about yourself in a negative way?

In 2019, I hope to make significant strides toward changing this mentality.

My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in 2019 and over 17 years of being a couple. We have been through so much together and we have new challenges and unknowns headed our way fast. He is the most important person in my life and he is also the person who bears all of me all the time. I know that is not an easy thing to handle 24/365. Neither of us are perfect people – far from it – but I know we will always have each other which is why it is so important for me to do those big and small things everyday that reinforce my love.

My kids are amazing, inquisitive, strong willed and very busy boys. At six and eight these boys are hurtling towards becoming little men. They are establishing their character and belief systems at a rapid pace. We are desperately trying to instill positive character traits while allowing time to be kids and have fun, balancing pouring into them while focusing on our needs as individuals and ultimately, our sanity. They weren’t kidding when they say this is the hardest job on Earth and it p.s. it keeps getting harder.

I want this year, more than ever before, to show these people on a consistent basis how much I love and appreciate them. I want to be more accepting and patient with them. I want to spend more one on one time with them.

It all comes down to a few habits and redirects. I will focus internally on myself instead of trying to control people and situations when I find frustration or unhappiness in our relationship. I will have patience. I will give – big and small sacrifices – like back rubs and afternoons, dinners and the remote, to show them how much I care. I will forgive them and ask forgiveness often to show the intention I have for this goal.

As for myself, I need to change the inner dialogue about me. I know I’m not perfect and I need to stop beating myself up about it. I need to love and forgive myself without trying to prove my worth all the time. I am perfect just the way I am – God says and loves me so – and I can as well.

Fear … It is a Liar

I am hurtling toward my mid-thirties and a lot of the time I am confused and defeated. I have heard for the last decade that in your thirties you find your calling and all the confidence that strides you into your true self. Well, good for you if this has worked out. I have been on a different train for the last few years.

All that confidence, motivation and achievement I had in my twenties has gone on hiatus.  A lot of the time I feel completely stuck in a holding pattern and a lot of it has to do with paralyzing fear. Uncertainty. Inability to make decisions. I miss feeling achievement around something and knowing where I am supposed to be.

I am in the uncomfortable place where my identity is in a bit of crisis. Where I used to put significant time and importance around career and success, I am now finding a new identity as a full time mom and homemaker with a baby on the way. Quite a turnaround. It took me a decade to come into my own professionally, so I’m not sure why I feel like I have to be knocking it out of the park in this new role for this season.

As a stronghold of my faith, when I feel lost or hopeless around my purpose in life, I pray and consult with the wisdom of what I know deep down to be true. I am where I am supposed to be right now. For whatever reason, I am here and it will turn out to be exactly what God has planned all along. I just have to trust and believe that He has a better plan that I do.

I know I am not the only one who struggles with fear. A lot of people spend so much time worrying about the what if’s and what could happens that it robs them from experiencing the joy and grace of today. Fear prevents us from moving forward, having gratitude, and showing love which is what we were created to do.

There are so many wise people who have understood and shared this philosophy of living and we should head their advice.

Paul tells us this in Philippians 4:6-7…

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Franklin D. Roosevelt stated in his first inaugural address in the depth of the Great Depression that the…

Only thing to we have to fear is fear itself

Zach Williams has a beautiful song about this very familiar struggle and how we should handle it. Take a moment to listen to the beautiful lyrics that point to the only true fear we should have…

I am pledging this year to take control of the fear filled moments wherever I encounter them – panic in the middle of the night, doubt in the moment of decision or relationship – and choose to believe the truth. Fear isn’t real – it is a liar. This year I refuse to live my life as if everything isn’t possible and goodness will not ultimately prevail. I will choose to believe what God has to say about me. I choose to believe that He is good, all the time. Even when I can’t control or understand the events, I can trust Him.

Stop Caring … about what other people think

I used to think that I was one of the people who truly didn’t care about what others thought of me. At one point I was happy in my ability to go about my life with only me to answer to. The more reflective I am about my true self, the more I understand this is not true. I really struggle with this. I struggle with my image – worrying that in the eyes of the people I love or care about the most, I don’t measure up.

I have constant anxiety with each person I care deeply about that I am failing them or shaming myself in their eyes and expectations. The problem is I do care about them deeply and they each have their ideas about how I should behave or live my life. We all do this to one another. We hold expectation over others and judge people constantly – it’s part of being human. But that shouldn’t be my problem. What I do with that knowledge is.

Let me first explain that a lot of this goal comes from an internal conflict, not an external one. It is no one else’s fault that you put other people’s opinions and judgments of you to such high priority in your life. If you have an issue with this it’s your issue, not theirs.

This year I will lean into the understanding that regardless of what my loved ones or even strangers think, my intentions and decisions are my own and I will be have to be ok with them. That means I need to stop measuring myself against others expectations.

I may raise my kids in a way that offends people. I may choose a new career or decide to stay at home full time. I may breastfeed for a year or strictly bottle feed my new baby. I may have a crazy messy house or try for a killer body this year or have a beautifully organized home and never workout. I may find a new fresh breath of motivation or be completely stuck trying to just survive for the next 12 months. Each day I’m sure will present it’s own set of challenges and I will have to be flexible to those changes.

The point is, the day to day decisions I make this upcoming year are mine. I will have to be accountable to them, accepting of them and not let anyone else disrupt the peace I will need to be happy through them. That choice is up to me.

Prioritizing the inside

A huge percentage of the population will spend an exorbitant amount of time, energy and money trying to change or update their physical appearance. Losing weight, focusing on fashion, makeup, surgery or enhancements to change their physical image into one that aligns with social expectations or provides better self esteem.

I am not saying we shouldn’t do these things. I struggled personally with this one because I have gained 20+ pounds so far in this pregnancy and I know I’m going to want my old self (or better) back after my baby is born. I love to imagine how my 10 year anniversary pictures could compete with the 24 year old version of myself and kick her ass. I know how much pride and esteem could come from physical improvement. I get it.

If I am honest about my own personal priority needs for the upcoming year or the need of our society as a whole I know what we should focus on more is our internal well being.

I am someone who personally struggles with anxiety and depression on a regular basis. My highs and lows are most likely worse than yours and I have to carefully make decisions to protect my mental health. I have to make sure I get plenty of rest. I have to make sure my everyday environment is low stress. I have to be able to let go of toxic relationships and situations easily.

Not everyone has the luxury to prioritize their lives this way but I believe if we are going to make health or everyday living changes in 2019, with the increasing levels of mental illness, depression, addiction, suicides, the continual reduction of healthy relationships and acts of kindness and love … that we prioritize mental stability and improvements of the heart above physical appearance this year. I suggest we show our children and each other how much more our inside means than our outside.

I pledge this year to spend more time in self-reflection, self-love, meditation, prayer, and healthy and loving relationships than ever before. I pledge to spend more energy purging negative emotion. I pledge to get more rest, to laugh more, spend more time in gratitude, express my thankfulness and love to others, and to give more than I receive.

I hope the same for you.

What I want to be known for 

This year I have decided to make personal and relationship decisions and interactions with three attributes in mind. These are three qualities that do not currently define me and ones that I will have to work very hard to drive my relationships and decisions. From a self-improvement perspective, this is as challenging as it gets. I encourage you to find the three qualities you want to define you, what you want other people to think about when your name is brought up. And spend the moments of 2019 embodying those qualities.

Accountability. I talk a big talk and write down big dreams but day to day I rarely am accountable to myself and others. Specifically, I want to be accountable to the above four goals I have declared for the year. But not only that, I want to trust myself that I will do what I commit to even when it is hard. When I say I am going to do something, I want the person on the other side of that statement to believe me. I want to be accountable and be a model for accountability for my children.

Kindness. I am a self-proclaimed know it all. I like to be right. I like to get my way. When my self-serving needs are not priority, kindness can go out the window and my wish for control of the situation tends to dominate my ability to show kindness. The below statement will be my mantra for 2019:

Gratitude. If my next year is anything like this one, I am going to have significant challenges. The unexpected will happen. My plans may completely go out the window. If I allow negative emotions, fear or anger get their way, I will not experience my life as God has intended it. I will not be able to completely realize the amazing things I have been given. I will shortchange and take for granted the people and blessings in my life. I will miss the beautiful paths that I am meant to walk, the relationships I am meant to blossom within, the growth toward my best self I am intended for.

This year I will show my grateful heart to the people who mean the most to me. I will praise God who has made this life possible for me. I will love more and better than ever before with nothing but gratitude for all the moments I am allowed.

With a certain historic figure as my guide, I will love unconditionally, remove fear from my life, stand true to my beliefs and decisions with conviction, improve my insides before my outside and self improve where I can give more to others than myself.

Be Honest, Be Kind: If you are looking for a way to live your life, I can’t think of a better way than THE way. Follow the person that showed up as the example, the bar, for living life and having relationship – inquire more about where following Jesus leads and follow with all of your heart.

Here is to a beautiful, meaningful life changing 2019 to you and your family.

Much Love. Your Honest But Kind Friend,

Courtney