What makes us dream of something newer, better, and more self-satisfying?
What is it within us that makes us so restless and ready for more? As a seven on the Enneagram, I just can’t shake the desire for “the next thing.” This year’s struggle has been a doozy.
I constantly had my dreams at the forefront. All of my plans were set. I woke up every morning and went to bed every night with my future accomplishments in mind. I spent hours setting intentions and visualizing my successes.
I set out timelines for my goals. I wrote down the detailed plans, had the conversations I needed, had care and help for my toddler so I could focus. Everything was set in the “go position” for me to pursue my dream life.
Just as I was stepping into the expansion of my business, learning skills for exciting new ventures, and finding the space to tackle it all, my son was released from his school due to sensory and behavioral challenges. All things screeched to a halt while we researched, went to specialists, and poured our focus into this new normal.
Out of nowhere, my plans for myself had to change and my focus had to shift. Instead of having the freedom to pursue my own desires, I was forced to take a step back and evaluate my priorities.
God was saying “No”, “Not right now” or maybe “You have the wrong dream.” Through prayer, ministering, and discernment I am in the process of figuring out exactly what.
Oh, but how my heart and my will fought back. But what about everything I had done, everything I had left to do? Wasn’t my dream for my life important? Does my identity first and foremost really point to being a mom?
Am I meant to live in the background with my main job as the wiping of little bottoms, the kisser of boo-boos, the maker of a million peanut butter jelly sandwiches, the teacher of right and wrong, the driver to faraway ball games each weekend?
Aren’t I meant for something greater?
My struggle with God is being constantly reminded that I am not number one. Whenever I lose focus that it is God’s will that should be front and center, not my own, I lose my balance. My accomplishments start to feel unsatisfying, events happen that force my attention elsewhere, I get restless, and the hole inside grows deeper and emptier.
I realize that my struggle is not new and my heart condition is shared with so many other mommas out there.
There are those of us out there dealing with the guilt that comes from providing outside the home, missing precious moments with our little ones. Just as there is guilt for moms at home wishing they were anywhere but in the laundry room again completing mundane tasks on repeat.
The common theme for me in both scenarios, as I have lived each one, is that I am grasping for my own glory and holding tightly onto my own desires, rather than relying on the direction and precious gratitude from the only One who can provide it.
It is no coincidence that in this season of life where I am constantly reminded that I am a mom first and a dreamer second, I have found myself in direct connection with the Word in both personal and group devotion around the fruit of the Spirit.
In Galatians 5:22-23 we get the promise of “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” through the blessing of the Holy Spirit. It is ours to ask for and receive whenever we need it!
What great news for this mom and dreamer who spends so much time in self-doubt, self-pity, anger, bitterness, and selfish ambition!
I am convinced that it is the trials that remind us who really is in control and what He can do when we are most in need. No matter what disappointments or hardships befall us, we can still bear this fruit and share it with the people around us. We can be filled with the Spirit which allows us to carry all of our burdens and still bring forth the best attributes in the mirror image of God.
Sometimes when I am having the hardest day, in the throes of preteen purgatory and toddler takeover, I get to look up from the kitchen sink and see a quote from my pastor:
“Your greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do, but someone you raise.” Andy Stanely
Oh, how I wish those words are true. I pray that my legacy stretches far beyond me and what I could possibly do in the world, purely for my own glory. I am so thankful for the opportunity and the blessing of the hardest job you could ever have.
So no matter where you are today momma, know that you have a God that is waiting to give you strength. One who built you for these moments. One who is willing to carry your load and fill you with His Spirit so that you can bear the most delicious fruit.
Wonderful post Courtney. Love it!