I got a question from my step-father the other day that I have been trying to figure out for the last three years.
How do I explain the brand I was creating?
How does someone manage to be honest and kind at the same time?
He asked it in a way that was more like:
“If someone asks you if they “look fat” in an outfit how can you be honest but kind with your response if the answer is yes?”
I laughed out loud because of course people gravitate to this sort of thinking when they are challenged with the concept. I have asked myself this type of question a thousand times.
I think he was actually asking me how do I intend to embody the lifestyle of being authentic and honest always while also being known for kindness?
After thinking about my journey since 2018, I still can’t say I have the perfect answer.
I can give you the best explanation of what it means for me to be honest but kind at the same time.
All I can do is tell you my story.
When I started this blog, what feels like ages ago, I started a journey of self-discovery.
I had just lost a job I loved at a place that felt like home. I was three months pregnant with my third child. I found myself in a very unexpected and scary place.
I had always been identified with my career and my work and suddenly was thrust into a full time mom gig. I never gravitated to the “homemaker” lifestyle. I rejected the thought. I was petrified of what it would all mean.
How would I be perceived?
What changes would I have to make?
At that stage of pregnancy I was limited in options to move professionally and I knew that I had to sit in the situation I found myself no matter how much discomfort I was in. I had to embrace that this was not my will, but there was a reason that I was being forced to pivot.
So I started thinking about what I did care a lot about that I could focus on in the space I was now given.
I found out that I cared a lot about my relationships but I constantly fell short in this space. I knew that I had the tendency to focus on what I wanted and needed instead of the person on the other side of me.
Being diagnosed with a brain health condition, (I prefer bipolar warrior), I had significant hurdles in my relationships. I didn’t want to or couldn’t admit lot of those faults until I was forced to face them.
When I was mentally unhealthy, I would be so inundated with my own thoughts, behaviors and mental struggle that I had limited time and energy to focus elsewhere.
When I was in hypomanic, manic and depressive states I would either aggressively jump into what was grasping my attention or completely ghost loved ones in order to deal with my own pain.
This isn’t an excuse for my behavior and the pain I ultimately cause because of it. It just is what it is.
I now realize that for a long time I was pretending I was fine when I wasn’t. I didn’t want to admit I needed help for years – even after I was diagnosed.
I realize I didn’t really even know the difference – because at a certain point I don’t think I even knew what being healthy felt or looked like.
I had become accepting of less than what myself and my loved ones deserved, because I had been spiraling for so long.
I still struggle with these things. I am not pretending that my condition and its’ impacts have gone away. I will have Bipolar for the rest of my life. Managing my condition will continue to be something I have to deal with that other people don’t. It will take a lot of energy.
When I lost my job, I found myself wondering … between my diagnosis and the importance I placed on my career for the past decade … was I now given this space in my life for a reason? Maybe I could start to repair and prioritize relationships in a way I had never done before.
Being thrown into a space where I had never been forced me to address what I had not prioritized for so long.
When I thought about it, the only way to do that was to be honest with people and myself.
I had to start coming clean about my personal faults, when I got between myself and others, and the things I wanted to personally improve.
For so long I had made excuses: “I work so hard… I am struggling so much personally… I don’t have the space or the time to…
Make dinner…
Read a bedtime story…
Go on a date with my husband…
Have a girls night out…”
And I guess I could get wrapped up in all of the shame that goes along with how many people I hurt and all of the things I missed out on. Moments with my children, connection with my husband and family members – these are precious moments and memories I will never get back.
But that wouldn’t be very kind.
Kindness for me means understanding and accepting that I am on a journey and I am right where I need to be right now. It means appreciating and being grateful that without those challenges and that history, I probably wouldn’t even realize how much my relationships and my impact on people truly mean to me.
Everything that happened to me got me to the place I am right now. And man am I grateful for that.
If it wasn’t for my past experiences, I might take advantage of or push aside all of the things that are so hard for me, but are also incredibly rewarding when I get it right:
The relationships with the people I love.
Kindness for me means not acting like I have it all figured out and pretending I know exactly what I am doing, even right now in this moment.
It gives me the perspective that if I am struggling in this area I bet a lot of other people are too.
When someone says something hurtful to me or does something I don’t understand, maybe it’s because they are in pain or on a part of their journey I have no reason to crash into.
I can do more listening than talking to understand just what that is.
I can stop pushing my know-it-all judgement onto others and grasp at forgiveness and love instead when something doesn’t fit into my narrative.
What I have discovered is that living an honest lifestyle means being brave enough to be honest with myself. I have to be willing to embark on a journey that is authentic and focused on my true values no matter what obstacles are in front of me.
It doesn’t mean saying everything I feel and placing my expectations and opinions onto everyone else. It looks like loving myself and being the whole person I was created to be. All while admitting my faults, working on them and apologizing when I hurt others.
It is the introspective work into my life. It’s taking a microscope to myself and being honest about what I see. The fears, the purpose and values, the things I need to improve, the balance I need to thrive.
Being kind is being brave enough to share all of that with others.
My loved ones, all the people I interact with, want me to be whole and healthy so that we can be in relationship.
We were all meant to be present and share our unique gifts with the people around us.
Kindness is asking for help so that I can be that whole and healthy person for them. It’s asking for forgiveness when I ultimately mess up and fail again and again.
It’s extending that forgiveness and love to others because they desperately need it as well.
Some people might ask as they come to the end of this what answer I have to the question of the title of this post.
Maybe I did or didn’t answer the question my step-dad posed a few days ago.
All I can say is…
Be Honest: With Yourself
Be Kind: To You and Everyone Else
