I noticed something the other day and had a bit of a lightbulb moment.
(All of the moms out there will be nodding their heads shortly…)
I was trying to be productive and finish the one big item I had on my list that day (which was taking hours longer than I planned for) all while trying to stay present and meet my kids and husbands needs that kept coming, and in my head kept popping up one doubt after the other. As the irritation and anxiety rose I realized… all day I had been in this constant state of negativity, questioning everything and everyone.
It was exhausting and sucking all the joy out of my life. There were questions lingering and snide little comments running through my mind all day that sounded like:
“Why can’t I get more done?”…
“I need to spend more quality time with my kids. I’m always distracted.”…
“Is it OK to yell this much?”…
“Ugh. How does she make it look so easy??”…
It was this nagging feeling that no matter what I accomplish or who I’m connecting with, I missed something or didn’t get it right. It can make me anxious and restless and reduce what I’m doing, which are some great and important things, to effectively nothing. It can make me seem smaller and less worthy than I am.
I’m a woman and a mom and this is our particular downfall.
I have been the climbing the ladder career-woman and the CEO of the household and many roles in between but no matter what season I’ve been in so far, I’ve always struggled with this same condition. I know I’m not alone. And I know I don’t just do this to myself.
I can also spread my judgmental aura over others.
It’s like a reflex to question why people wear certain styles, make certain life decisions, post those things on social media, have certain beliefs… we can all automatically assume the worst because of how different we are. It’s hard to have civil conversation and ask questions to understand the people we meet and interact with that aren’t like us. We are quick to judge.
A lot of the time I can become someone I wouldn’t appreciate on the other end. Someone not very positive and not very compassionate.
A new show I’ve been watching is Ted Lasso on Apple TV. It is heartwarming and so funny in a dad joke kind of way- I highly recommend. The plot is about a first time soccer coach who goes to the UK from the US to coach “football” when he knows nothing about the sport. Even though he has no idea what he’s doing, Ted is so lovable and engaging, and straight up goofy, that he ends up turning the team, which is filled with challenging personalities, completely around.
He injects kindness and positivity everywhere he goes and it is CONTAGIOUS.
Man I want to be that guy.
I want to be on a mission to light a spark in my life and others’ through intentional connection. This is something that does not come naturally for me. I have to work very hard at it and I mess up a whole lot.
During one of my favorite episodes on the show Ted references a quote from Walt Whitman:
“Be curious, not judgmental.”
It sums up the reason for his immense success in relationship and his career. Because he does not assume the worst, because he is curious, he does not spend wasted time judging and misunderstanding others. He connects instead. He does this by being genuinely intrigued and a very good listener in otherwise difficult situations with difficult people.
Another study my small group and I are right in the middle of, which, coincidentally is speaking to me on this very same topic, is Bob Goff’s “Everyone Always“. The book and study are a collection of stories that nudges us out of our comfort zones into loving others radically. To ‘become love’ as Goff so eloquently puts it. And some may nod and think “I do this already. We love ALL our neighbors” …
But do you really?
Do you love the “creepy people”? The ones that fight for the opposite political views loudly and unabashedly on social media or in your group text? The not nice people? The ones you are in the middle of a fight with? The family members you haven’t talked to in forever? Are you actively pushing into their lives and showering love on them constantly? I admit I had to be pushed to even consider it. This study encourages you to do so and … ouch is it difficult and awkward.
And that is definitely the point, according to Goff, who says we should display the radical outpouring of love onto our “enemies”, specifically them, just as Jesus did. For if we do, we ‘become love’ and invite others to do so as well.
Domino effect ensues.
Doing these love acts intentionally and without fear displays firsthand the love and the amazing forgiveness, acceptance, charity and inclusion Jesus wanted his followers to emulate. And that’s well, a future I want to be a part of.
So I want to know.
When did the negative consuming thoughts even start and why are they getting louder as I step further into my 30’s? Why is my heart so hard and why do I assume the worst of everyone and everything? Why don’t I believe I’m enough? Why do I push that onto on others?
Can I actually change this about myself?
In the book “Think Like a Monk“, Jay Shetty discusses that people fall into two categories. They have either a soldier or a scout mindset. One mindset, the soldier, is all about seek and destroy. Identify and perceive the world, make a quick judgment, and act accordingly. The second mentality, the scout, is on a mission to find answers, to map out and discover the terrain.
It seems to me that one of these personas moves toward judgement and the other to curiosity. So why is it so easy for me to be the soldier?
In Brene Brown’s podcast “Armored versus Daring Leadership“, she explains that people throw up armor when we are feeling ‘less than’. Brown explains that we do this to fit in because of our own insecurities. It’s all about comparison and our own unrealistic expectations. She quotes Jim Hollis, who describes this destructive driving force, our ego, as the “thin wafer of consciousness”. Thin because it is so shallow and it really should be that insignificant.
The message is that our ego is not what makes our life incredible and colorful and amazing. We give it too much power over our life.
Just like the comparison of the soldier and the scout, Brown indicates that there is an impactful difference between being a “knower” and being right, and being a “learner” and getting it right. In our society knowing things and being right is rewarded while being vulnerable, failing and not knowing all is looked down upon. No wonder we all fall for this trap!
The best way to change this is to pivot our mentality. Yes we can change, we just have to practice. Brown says something incredible next:
“Ultimately we are not here to fit in, or be perfect, we are here to become more and more ourselves, all while being vulnerable enough to make that happen.”
Wow. Read that again. Now say it louder for the ladies in the back.
If we look deeper, we find Psalm 139:14 which says that we are “wonderfully and fearfully made” by God. Every individual. Each one of his children unique and made for a specific, beautiful purpose.
We teach this verse to our children but it’s like they already know. It’s instinctive for them. A built in mechanism they are born with. They have to grow up and interact with more and more with adults to reduce its truth and value. It’s amazing that children are born to believe that they are already great, created to be joyful, playful and curious.
I want to go back to the days when my heart was open. When it was soft. I was downright playful. I saw myself as worthy of all the love and attention I constantly searched for. I stepped into interaction with strangers and loved ones with eyes bright and wide open, intrigued at what we could really do together.
Belittling or reducing ourselves or others is so opposite of how we were created to be. The act of hardening our hearts actually takes more energy and it is counter to what actually makes us happy. We really should know better. Maybe we just have to act like kids again.
Be Honest: You were wonderfully and fearfully created by God. You are enough just the way you are. Unique and built for a specific purpose. You have permission to love yourself fiercely everyday.
Be Kind: If this is true for you, then it is true for everyone else too. Look beyond the labels and tap into that curiosity again. Find out about the human on the other side of your interactions and lean into love. Even with the creepy people.
