Love People

You are your biggest problem

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Who’s getting in the way of your happiness?

When I was a teenager I was pure joy to be around. My mother and step-father will agree. A true role model for all up-and-coming adults, in every sense of the word. My husband can also attest, that the majority of our dating relationship and first years of marriage were like… living with an angel.

I just can’t help it – I’m a natural blessing.

Ok… maybe I overshot it. If you don’t know me personally, my good friends and family can explain that these are not completely true statements. Close to the mark, but not entirely true.

Evaluating myself honestly has not always been my strong suit, but in recent years it has become apparent to me that in order for me to be truly happy, I have to start being accountable for why or why not that is the case.

Unbelievable I know, but the answer to all of the below hypothetical questions, regardless of who is asking, is the same. (Hint…. begins with a y)

Why am I stuck in a job I hate? Why do I have meaningless, unfulfilling relationships? Why can’t I lose these 25 pounds? Why don’t my kids enjoy being with me?

Question: Why am I not happy in life? Answer: You. 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are your problem 99% of the time. (From a self proclaimed know-it-all and convincing critic, I know. This is hard to swallow).

We all have problems. And no, it’s not because “those other people” did something, didn’t do something, voted a certain way, acted or believed something you didn’t and tried to get others to do the same. If you find yourself dialoguing and positioning your issues in this way the majority of the time, please feel free to reflect and read on. For Mother Theresa out there, go enjoy a coke.

We are constantly tripping over ourselves and getting in our own way of complete and utter bliss, fantastic careers, life-affirming relationships and the legacy we were meant to leave.

Below are 3 things we can focus on to remember where the finger should be pointing and get us into the right state of mind regarding our own happiness:

  1. Kill Judgement
  2. Accountability First
  3. Forgiveness Always
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Whose holding the gavel?

Kill Judgment 

I am in a natural state when I get to be the judge, jury and executioner for the concerns and situations surrounding my own, and other peoples’, lives. I usually have the answers to most problems regardless of my level of direct expertise in the matter. I guess I’m just a confident person with a lot of wisdom.

Wrong.

If I’m completely honest with myself, I’m overbearing and arrogant with a teensy bit of annoying thrown in – and you should see me on my worst day. You may not struggle with my level of judgmental, but we all do it to one another, and it kills relationship.

I read an interpretation of the meaning of judgement recently as “punishing someone for not following agreements they never made.” Ouch. But so true, right?!

The mom you are wagging tongues about at the drop off line didn’t agree to look, act or expect her family to be what you thought they should. Your boss, sister, and stranger sitting next to you on yesterday’s flight didn’t either.

We weren’t created to be the judge. When we lay down our “truth” for everyone and their mother to have to accommodate to, we kill our ability to establish and blossom in relationship with one another. We may even miss our best connections in the most unexpected packages.

So kill judgement back.

This is not easy, and for those of us who have been basking in our judgmental ways as a state of being since childhood, the effort is downright herculean, but we should do it anyway (just ask your spouse or your closest friend).

How? Well, we can start by evaluating our influencers and checking ourselves on a regular basis.

When you hang around with and fill up your reading list, DVR and podcasts with a bunch of negative nay-sayers, your going to find yourself with a few bad habits. Honestly evaluate the people you surround yourself with and the content you subject yourself to and ask yourself: Am I a better person having listened to, befriended, read and convened with x? 

Also, you need to be constantly present to not only what you are actually saying to others, but also about your self-talk and the intentions behind them. Start asking people what it’s like to be on the other side of you. Ask them if they feel you come from a positive and loving space. Your closest friends and family will be truthful with you if you are vulnerable enough to ask.

I am not suggesting that we don’t inform ourselves around issues or have a sense of humor or whatever malarky you may possibly be thinking right now. You still have a right to ideals and individuality – just consider if your judgement has ever damaged a current or potential relationship – yes? Ok, then. I’m right. WhoopsWork in progress. 

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Are you accountable?

Accountability First

For the most part, we want this for our children and expect this from other people much more than we are willing to work for it for ourselves. That is because accountability is easy to expect and hard to do.

For me, it is downright embarrassing how many times I say I’m going to do something and never follow through. For some reason, I find a Netflix marathon, book, nap, nachos? way more convincing than that goal of (place anything here) I set for myself last night or last year.

My problem is two-fold. Number one is that my goals and aspirations are way to extreme and numerous to attempt in this lifetime let alone by the end of the deadline I have set. Number two is that I simply don’t follow through, probably due to number one.

It always seems like a good idea at the time to set incredibly high expectations and picturesque dreams as the standard of what I want my life to look like, but it’s just not going to happen and it’s preventing me from actually achieving anything.

A few ways to handle the expectation problem are to start small and eliminate many.

You can start small by removing one bad habit from your life – hitting snooze 3 times before work, looking at your phone during dinner, drinking wine during the week. If it’s important to you, completely remove it and never look back. Then start adding a good habit in it’s place. Then move on to the next thing.

After you have made some headway with success, start eliminating the ridiculous expectations you weren’t meant to meet anyway. There are probably 15 things right now you can say no to or bow out of (yay!) so you can really focus on being accountable to the areas you want to define you.

You want to be the friend that never bails? You always want to be 15 minutes early? You want to run that half marathon this year? You want to finish writing that book? Then stop trying to be everyone’s friend, mom of the year, and workaholic extraordinaire and do one thing at a time.

If everything’s important, then nothing’s important. Prioritize what’s most important to you this season of life, and do those 5 things better than you ever have before. Everything else goes on the mediocre shelf until you re-prioritize.

Accountability is a game changer. It creates honesty around who you are to yourself and uniquely defines who you are to others all while moving you into a continual state of blissful achievement!

If you want to see positive strides happen in your life, take it easy with your goals and follow through always! People will then begin to realize that when you do say your going to do something, they (and you) can count on you to do it!

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Give the gift of forgiveness

Forgiveness Always

Forgiveness is one of the most underrated and underachieved acts of our time.

The time alone we spend on harboring guilt and resentment, arguing our case, perfecting fake conversations, and justifying our positions could be completely freed up for accomplishing those goals we just talked about.

It makes us so nuts and wastes so much energy to hold onto negative emotions against ourselves and others. It also stops you from moving forward in your life and experiencing all the joy that is out there for the taking!

When we hold onto resentment about something, we are feeling our pain over and over again like crazy people instead of processing our emotions and moving past them. In this sense, we are a slave to the past and actually self-inflicting suffering until we wise up and forgive others, ourselves and the situation we need to move beyond.

It’s not always easy to do, but the good news is, even when we are fighting or faking it, if we say or pray forgiveness over and over again, it eventually becomes true and we are able to move past the hurt.

Start easily forgiving others through your self-talk and live conversations. Don’t like a seemingly snide comment you overheard? Chalk it up to a bad day or a hurt that person is going through. Forgive them genuinely and quickly without skipping a beat.

Start believing the best about other people. Most of the time, we are making up the dialogue of the story of our lives and casting other people as the villain when they didn’t sign up for the role. Don’t take everything so personally! If someone is deliberately trying to hurt you or someone you love, bless um’ sweetly and move on with your life!

So be the person who forgives easily and is often asking for forgiveness!

Give yourself back the hours, experience unshakeable joy in your life and be the model for love in your relationships. You won’t regret forgiving yourself or others, ever.

We can be immensely happy and we can start right now with remembering these three things:

  1. Kill Judgement
  2. Accountability First
  3. Forgiveness Always

Be Honest: If you are unhappy in certain areas of your life, it’s time to look in the mirror about why that is and start being accountable to the person you see.

Be Kind: to yourself and others! Time to shake off the high expectations! Living your best life means enjoying the process! Select the few areas you want changed, lose the judgment, forgive easily and often, and bask in this amazing life you are leading!

I’ll be cheering for you, friends. And I’ll be moving my own mess along in the journey as well – wish me luck!

About Honest But Kind

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4 thoughts on “You are your biggest problem”

  1. Great read. I laughed several times as I saw myself in your words. You are a treat Courtney – thanks for lightening my Friday morning !!!
    BP

    1. Glad to hear it made you laugh! I love that you have a sense of humor about yourself – it’s an important quality to get through the day! Cheers!

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